Husband, are you a WIFEOLOGIST?

“Likewise, ye husbands, dwell with your wives according to knowledge, giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.”(1 Pet. 3:7)

Interested in getting the coveted “Dr.” before your name? It’s going to take about a decade of diligent study to accomplish it. Whether in law, dentistry, engineering, or a variety of other fields, the general consensus is that when compiling undergrad studies, getting a Master’s Degree, and then finally a Ph.D., it will take 10-12 years of learning. Psychologists, biologists, cardiologists, all attest to this. The question for me as a husband is, “Am I a wife-ologist?” 

As husbands, God calls men to live knowledgeably with our wives, to study them (1 Pet. 3:7). The call here is not for me to know about all wives in general, but to know my wife. My wife’s name is Hannah. We have been married since 2010, so I have had about a decade to study her. The question is, “By now, am I a Hannah-ologist?” Years have passed, but have I been a diligent student of my bride? 

Am I aware of how she responds to God? Have I asked enough questions to know what her deepest fears might be? Do I know my wife well enough to know when she approaches me with a confused look on her face and wants to talk, whether if it’s one of those “I-want-your-advice” moments or one of those “I-just-need-you-to-listen-to-me” moments?  What’s her dream vacation look like? How does my father-in-law’s treatment of her in the past affect her expectations of me in the present? As Hannah’s husband, it’s my task to find answers to these questions.

Here’s the explanation of 1 Peter 3:7: The call to know our wives is so unique. The command to  “dwell with your wives” here is the word “syntoikeo” in the Koine Greek of the New Testament. You see, the general term “oikeo”, found in many verses in the New Testament simply means to be located in a certain place. And we do “oikeo” with anybody that we are physically near to; whether it be our siblings at a family gathering, a co-worker who is in the cubicle next to us, or a neighbor who lives across the street. That’s “oikeo”, and the only requirement for it is physical proximity. No other level of connection is required. The command here in 1 Peter 3:7 toward our wives is “syntoikeo”. When the prefix “syn” is added, there is an implied synthesis, a closeness between two people that goes beyond physical proximity and implies emotional and spiritual connection. What’s telling is that this is the only place in Scripture where God mandates this deep closeness with another person. So, although there are many principles and direct commands in the Bible on how to relate with our our co-workers, our parents, and our children, in none of those relationships does God call us to such deep connection. Only with our wives! And yet, we so easily slip into simple “oikeo” in our marriages.

“Oikeo” is functional existence.  “Syntoikeo” is intimate life. “Oikeo” can happen in any house. “Syntoikeo” is the benchmark of a home. What does “oikeo” look like? It looks like two people with rings on their fingers, bearing the same last name, living at the same address, eating at the same table, and even sleeping in the same bed, but living in different worlds. It’s couples whose deepest conversation on a typical day has only to do with figuring out what’s for dinner, and sometimes not even that happens! Yet we fool ourselves into thinking we are close because we are physically close. In doing so, we work against God’s design for our marriage, because He instituted marriage as the remedy to human loneliness (Gen. 2:18). 

That said, there are certain types of husbands that I must avoid being in order to generate “syntoikeo” and to earn my wife-ologist’s degree:

An old preacher declared with a raspy voice, “If the devil can’t make you bad, he’ll make you busy.” There’s truth in that. Perhaps career accolades are in the way, and the drive to “success” is actually becoming the road to marital failure. The seventy-hour workweeks and the month-long jaunts into faraway cities for the company can easily create a distance between you two. As a man, may I say that your wife fears being a lonely married woman much more than she fears middle-class life. Perhaps you need to adjust your priorities in order to achieve “syntoikeo”.

Also, let me say that kids are a great blessing, but they never were introduced into your family by God to impede marital connection. Yet so many couples front-load their schedules with with all-things kids; baseball travel teams, incessant trips to the mall, music recitals and plays every quarter, etc., all at the expense of their own marriage relationship. While such experiences for kids are productive in their place, perhaps this would be a great time to pare back some of these activities, realizing that to gift your kids with the example and warmth of a stable marriage, is greater than any sports’ trophies or cultural experiences you could give to them. We must intentionally build a marriage that outlasts the child-raising that we do within it. Extreme busy-ness with our children can interfere with that.

Also, there is no shortage of husbands who busy themselves with their fishing buddies, tinkering with the muscle car in the garage, and giving priority to their parents and siblings over their wives. Since every “yes” to one person is a “no” to someone else, let’s remind ourselves that “syntoikeo” is only commanded once in all of Scripture, to husbands with respect to their wives, rather than with other friendships and hobbies.    

No one’s really bored. We were created for worship, and therefore, something always has us amazed, and whatever enthralls us as men, we study. We get a new iPhone, a new DeWalt impact drill, or basically any new gadget, and we’re curious to know all about it!!! We scour places online finding out how such things operate best. In our zealous fandom, we follow our favorite teams and want to know more about the players they drafted. Many of us consume loads of political banter because it captures our attention. Our wives observe us as we observe such things, and if “syntoikeo” is not going on between us and the Mrs., she’s threatened by that because it’s not that we don’t have attention to give, but that we don’t give it to her. We’re bored by her somehow, when we ought to “be always ravished with her love” (Prov. 5:19). Relational boredom ruins “syntoikeo”. 

Do you remember the work it took to conquer your wife’s heart when you first met? Do you remember how much you invested in the relationship in those first days; the special excursions, the conversations that lasted until 3 am, all with the hope of getting to know her? A lady remembers those days because of her God-given desire to feel sought after. She remembers well when you did everything to attract her and in fact, such instinct did not disappear the day you married but may only have increased. She probably measures the romance you inject today in comparison to those days, and if your interest in her has waned, she’s threatened because she knows what you are capable of when motivated. Really, the version of you that most threatens your wife might not be the angry version of you, but the bored, aloof one. Why not freshly engage in the effort to conquer your wife’s heart as you did long ago and draw her again? Her heart cries out for that.

(There’s way more ideas about this in chapter 4 of our “Connected Marriage” book entitled, “We Must Generate Excitement.”) 

Thankfully, there are many Jesus-loving men who have graduated from blowing up and launching verbal tirades against their wives. Yet there are others who justify themselves because when they get mad, they get quiet and that somehow that’s more spiritual than the nuclear explosions that have occurred at other times. Yet, the guy who blows up does it in anger in the moment, but the man who serves up a week of the silent treatment, does it in bitterness. Bitterness is simply anger extended. It’s not better. In fact, it’s probably worse, and springs from the same heart of fury. 

The bitter husband impedes “syntoikeo” because of the spiritual and emotional disconnect that his drawn out anger generates. Bitterness yields days without contact, guts our marriage of vital hope, and drives us away from each other and God. Mercy opens the lines of communication, figures what was going on in our wife’s heart, learns how to avoid future squabbles, and invites God’s Spirit into our marriage’s most trying moments. 

Gentlemen, let’s remember that God didn’t give us perfect wives. He gave us wives who give us the opportunity to be like Jesus, and to be like Him requires constant forgiveness and pursuit of our wives. So the next time your wife gives you a look that grinds you to the core, or ends an intense conversation with, “Whatever!”, don’t slam the door and disappear into your bedroom. Turn toward her in the power that Christ gives and seek reconciliation, and meet her at the Cross. As you do, you’ll know your Savior better, your spouse better and yourself better. And “syntoikeo” will be at work in your marriage.

The Endgame

There’s a goal in becoming a wife-ologist. Just like the psychologist, biologist, and cardiologist, all study with a goal to do something with their knowledge, so ought we husbands. The goal is this. As we fulfill the first portion of 1 Peter 3:7, and “dwell with (our) wives according to knowledge,” the second half of the verse is ours as well; “giving honour unto the wife, as unto the weaker vessel, and as being heirs together of the grace of life; that your prayers be not hindered.” 

When our wives are known specifically by us, we then treat them in an honoring fashion, and we connect with them emotionally and intimately. That yields to us the privilege of leading them at their deepest spiritual level, which is our main job. According to the verse, the vital “grace of life” and unhindered prayers are the result of intentional, godly “syntoikeo”.

However, I also sense a warning in the verse, that if I am neglectful of my wife’s emotional needs, I can’t expect her to follow my spiritual leadership. If I favor Fortnite over her for hours at a time, live for my relatives or my career, or I show blatant disinterest in her when she needs to talk, I can’t expect her to listen as I read Scripture to her, or grab her hand to pray. 

Therefore, may I fight against my tendencies to be the busy, bored, or bitter husband, and work on observing, listening to, and connecting with my wife, that I might lead her in God’s ways as He has called me to!

How about you? What are some practical ways this week that you can work on your wife-ologist’s degree?